Students are always wanting stories, not just ones to read, but to hear. Not audio stories that circulate, but stories of your very own life. How you have survived incredible things. And to keep them contained in the library on a Friday afternoon, verses terrorizing the hallways before the end-of-classes bell, you tell them the stories of your life.
How you fell off a ski lift through the air 50-or-so feet, swiveled in mid-air to be facing downhill, crash-landed in perfect Olympic downhill format with knees tucked slightly, and cross-country skied smack into a service fence. How you brushed off the snow and waved to cheering spectators.
How you exited a high speed lift at the top of the mountain, one boot and ski facing upward in the correct fashion, the other catching upside down so that you were in perfect split formation and proceeded to ski, doing the splits, backwards, down the mountain.
How your floor length skirt got caught in an escalator and ripped the skirt from your body. How you landed in the men’s tie department, where there was nothing but ties and wallets and cuff links, nothing to clothe yourself with, and you were forced to run through the department store and out to your car. How you were so low on gas, that you had to stop at the pump for more, in your undies. How passerby looked on in pity, thinking you were crazy, contemplated calling the police. How you lived in fear the whole thing was somehow caught on shoplifting video, and would air on television to the entire nation.
How it all went back to childhood, really.
How you fell into an underground river system when you were a their age, and were rescued by friends who stripped down to their birthday skivvies in mid-winter and tied their coats, scarves, sweatshirts, jeans, and flannel shirts together to form a rope to pull you up, and out, and into the light.
How you fell off your horse, one time, and landed on your head. Therefore, all equestrians in the bunch should wear helmets.
How your horse, also, fell into an underground river.
How you were shot at one time, for trespassing.
How, after receiving permission from the environmentalist property-owner to hike on his property, you were caught in a cross-fire between southern redneck poachers trying to hunt illegally, and the sheriff and his men. How you and your mother had to keep lying down and covering up with leaves, as you made your way up the side of a mountain to escape. How the gun shots reverberated from the valleys to the cliff rocks, and sounded like you were escaping soldiers in the American Civil War.
How, on the trip-of-a-lifetime to Australia, you were electrocuted by a kangaroo fence for not listening to instructions, and going through the gate to photograph the kangaroos like all the other sensible Japanese tourists. But how could you have heard the instructions when you were busy leaping over all of the bus passengers on a two-story bus, so that you could beat them to the fence, zoom your lenses through and get the classic shot before the mob disturbed the docile creatures? How, it was amazing the electrocution didn’t occur immediately, because you were not grounded, (a wonderful opportunity to work in a science lesson) because you had jumped with all fours onto the fence, like an animal. How, it wasn’t until after you had zoomed the lens through a square in the wire fence, and pushed the metal button, that the fence fried your camera and sent you reeling into a pile of kangaroo manure. How you awoke to sympathetic Japanese tourists, who assisted you back onto the bus, and wiped you down with SARS cleanliness wipes and attempted to stop your camera from hissing and beeping. And, to make it worse, your friend saw the whole thing, and got some of it on video. How, it is very intelligent to listen to and abide by instructions.
How a cute, cuddly Koala bear you just had to hold in the jungle, peed all over you because he did not want to be cuddled, and you got a rash. Fortunately, you posed for pictures with the Koala bear, as well as the Python wrapped around your neck, which had to be wrestled from your neck by the zoo keepers.
How the cruise ship left you alone on the Great Barrier Reef in your photographic chase of Nemo, and you had to swim hard in your flippers to catch up to the boat, a speck in the distance. How the crewmates had to hoist you up and over the rail, where you flopped like a drowning fish having downed the entire Indian Ocean in your attempt to escape a desolate certain encounter with a Great White Shark. Fortunately, you did get a picture of Nemo with your underwater camera, so you bring in said photo of Nemo as proof.
Students wonder if I am really an FBI agent in disguise. I assure them.
How it just isn’t enough to read a bunch of books.
How you feel the need to get out and explore the world you read about, even if you are very accidental by nature. They too, should read their books in their hammocks, and enjoy the outdoors.
How they must have books to read over the weekend -- perhaps the outdoorsy books by Gary Paulsen, and hunting stories like Big Red. Several boys are inspired to check out books and have adventures, and the bell rings, and the door opens and the students charge into the halls, leaving the library still standing. Mission Accomplished. Mission Complete. ---